I Didn’t Know How To Process My Grief So I Made A Film
September 25th, 2024 | By Christina Igaraividez
I can’t even look at his picture. How am I going to sort through entire videos of him?
I questioned myself as I read through the short film submission guidelines. The film is about 2 minutes shot from your phone on the very generic theme of “kindness” but you could win $1,000. I’m a freelancer and work for myself so it sounded like quick and easy money. The only problem was I really, really, really wanted it to be about my grandfather, Rafael Ruiz.
It’s 2022, one year after he passed and I don’t know if I’m ready. I still randomly burst into tears in public, I just started to get a handle on my anxiety and oh yeah I have Long Covid. But honoring him in some small way was a non-negotiable in my mind ever since he passed. There was no other way around it.
I decided to tell the story of his connection to our puppy, Sydney.
In the weeks leading up to his passing, my mom told my husband and I that Grandpa wasn’t responding well to the chemo and that it didn’t look good. I knew what this meant and it immediately sent me into a panic attack on my living room couch. The unthinkable was actually happening. My grandpa and grandma were my second parents and a small but very strong part of me always thought that maybe, just maybe they would be the first people to live…forever.
I grew up in their home with my mom and my grandparents did so much of the parent duties. My grandpa would pick me up and drop me off at the train to highschool every day. He judged all my boyfriends, yelled at me for wearing nail polish too early and taught me how to have a slick sense of humor.
I had always called him my grandpa, abuelito, but it wasn’t until Father’s Day 2021 when he passed that I realized he was my father.
“It’s shocking you don’t have any daddy issues,” an energy healer once told me, upon learning that my biological father ran out on us when I was 2. It was something I never thought about. I never felt unsafe with the men I dated or felt like they needed to take care of me. I just never questioned it. Looking back I realized why I had such a horrible time unraveling my grief, I never felt like I was at a loss. My grandpa was that role for me.
So when we received the news and my husband witnessed my reaction, one of the first things he asked was, “Do you want to get a dog?”
It was out of nowhere. We never even talked about it. But he knew I have always been dog obsessed, grew up with dogs and it was a love that my grandpa and I both shared growing up. So yes, of course I wanted a dog!
So we went through the process of getting THE dog I had been obsessed with - an Australian Shepherd.
Not only were they beautiful, they were super smart, high energy and were incredibly intuitive. We went through the process while we went through funeral arrangements. The day we went to get her in September 2021, I was so full of anxiety and rage from grief that I just couldn’t seem to shake. But the second I held her, I cried and all of that anger just melted away. I was in love.
Sydney was so much work, but I hadn’t laughed this much since before the pandemic. For most of her puppyhood I was afraid to love her too much, so instead I focused on making sure she lived a happy and healthy life. We played all day long, we ran out on the grass and she met every single neighbor who inevitably fell in love with her.
One day while getting her ready for a vet visit, I shuffled through her papers and almost dropped a sheet when I came across her birthday: July 26th, 2021.
The same day as my grandfather’s birthday.
I couldn’t believe it. This was no coincidence.
My grandpa was magical. Like legit, we come from a long line of witches. He just knew things before I did and would somehow always know what I was feeling. This was one of his last gifts to me.
And this was the story I was going to put together on film.
I gathered footage of Grandpa and also of Sydney, stopping for several minutes to cry, but eventually picking back up again because I had a deadline! I allowed myself, for the first time, to remember. To sit in the memories. And I allowed myself to laugh and smile. I saw myself teaching Sydney tricks and remembered it was the only thing that could keep me in the present moment. Editing footage is an arduous process. When I edit, I also find that I am nowhere else but here. I have to pause sometimes just to recalibrate and remember where I am. I edited and gathered for a couple weeks. I shot new material and stitched it together. I recorded my monologue and slapped it on top and before I knew it, I was done. I posted it on my Instagram. I was proud of the scrappy piece I made and I was happy people would get to see a sliver of our story. I submitted it to the contest and promoted the hell out of it. Pretty much everyone I knew voted. I got comments and messages and for a minute I thought I would actually win.
I ended up with an honorable mention.
But I won so much more than the cash prize. Taking on this project and creating something from my pain allowed me to shave off years of unprocessed grief. It made me feel safe in future grief and it allowed me a space to truly process without getting stuck in it. I never underestimated a creative process but now I have living proof that it is so so damn healing in ways I never knew. One of the most important parts was sharing it. Because that requires courage.
And when you share your work, you are making it safe for others to share theirs.
It is not a selfish act.
It’s an act of community.
The most sacred human act of story telling and story sharing.
It’s 2024 now and last week I finished filming a REAL short film.
I raised money, I got a crew, hired actors, borrowed houses and apartments and got beach permits and wrote and produced it with the help of my amazing friends who happened to be actors, directors and DP’s. This process was full of laughter, excitement, drama and trauma but the product is just how I envisioned it. We took our time, we collaborated and I believe we did pretty damn good. It’s currently in post-production. I learned so much and I’m so excited to continue to create even more, now that I know what I’m capable of. Oh, what’s the film about? The film follows the journey of a comedian who must go through the memories of her grandfather in order to heal. And it’s titled, “Rafael.”