Exquisite Grace: #HowWeValue
April 7, 2023 | By Alexandra Meda
This week I was invited to give a talk with a group of first years at the David Geffen School of Drama on Anti-Oppressive Practices At Culturally Specific Organizations. (Check out this little padlet I made with some book recc’s) And maybe it was the moment I was in this week or the approaching full moon that was down the pike as I prepared for this. Still, I landed on discussing the often unspoken thing: that culturally specific institutions perpetuate the same white supremacy culture characteristics as predominantly white institutions. It is almost heartbreaking because it comes from a place of unseen pain compounded by harm, steeped in confusion. However, I also wanted to share how we combat that daily. And I found my in by exploring values.
I had to talk about how, although my work, Luna’s work, and so many others, is about directly battling institutionalized racism and dismantling the systems and places that harm us all. As my beautiful friend Miranda Gonzalez (AD at Urban Theater Company Chicago) always says, “None of that institutionalized change will move the needle if we aren’t also managing the internal and personal dismantling required to lead into that future we collectively imagine.”
Now, do culturally specific theatres and organizations of color have magic? That special sauce, that swagger that is NECESSARY? Do they answer fundamental needs and bridge real gaps in the social sector that keep communities and individuals alive, happier, and closer to healing? HELL YES. But we are also sites of such exquisite trauma.
In all honesty, and I will say it until I am blue in the face, I have been a site for others of tremendous pain and trauma as a Luna leader because I didn’t know any better for a long time. Why? Because abuse. Because unhealed folks trained me. Because of the systems. Because the mission was beautiful, but it isn’t about your mission; it is about HOW you execute the mission. It is about how you live your values in moving that mission forward. Good missions done wrong harm the people the same organization was built to serve. I have learned that lesson too many times to count.
But what has put me on a new path was learning to practice grace. With myself. With others. And I am still learning.
But this learning has become an obsession. A north star. The thing that gets me back in alignment.
That thing is making grace a core personal value and a core value for Studio Luna.
#HowWeValue
Grace, as we define it here, is an unyielding expansion of our compassion; unyielding compassion for others, for ourselves, and for any moment we are in. It is something we return to over and over again. We remind each other almost daily. We run towards it when we want to give up... because sometimes it feels like we will never get to where we want to go. We will always be underresourced or whatever other negative narrative we still have on repeat as a non-profit theatre and creative home by and for women of color.
But how tf do we embody this value in practice? How do we move beyond performing it and embody it? Well, we don’t. I believe, and you can burn me later if you want, that almost everything has to start on the surface level. On wanting a thing before you are a thing. I want to walk in grace. But it doesn’t fit yet. The shoes are wobbly. So I have to strut and fall, put them back on, and try again until the contours of the thing and me finally merge. Ya feel me?
I’ll be candid and embarrassingly real. When I started writing this note in my head, before I even opened up the blank page, I was sitting in some of the most profound emotional pain I have experienced in months. Maybe even the most I have experienced since my partner died in 2019 suddenly and as a wicked and total surprise.
Bien dramatica, I am, huh? Emotional rollercoasters will do that to a person.
But it is when that kind of low, that kind of grief, that kind of stuckness, that kind of freeze instinct, that kind of I want to jump out of my skin moment hits that I precisely know I have to find a way towards grace. For myself and the person, thing, group, fill in the blank that is pushing that sadness or pain. And I had to locate somewhere deep deep deep deep deep deeeeeeeeep in my guts the ability to reject the pettiness I wanted to enact, not to send highly emotional passive-aggressive texts, and to instead, offer grace.
There I was thinking, “Be a nice person, honor your word about supporting them,” even though inside, I was feeling some rage at that moment. And I sent the kind of text that asked them to be gentle with themselves. And you know what happened? I immediately felt the rage start to dissolve. I felt warm. Still sad. Still in pain. But kinder. Not just externally or performatively. Like with myself. I felt the universe holding me. I felt myself holding me. I felt myself holding space for myself and someone else without losing my self-worth.
The much-needed release found an outlet. It found a way through; I engaged in grace for both of us. No approach besides this one doesn’t compound trauma for our future selves; none. I feel so strongly about this.
I don’t say this to celebrate how noble I am. Not at all, quite the opposite. I share this because sometimes we think healing and generosity come to us as perfect clean ways of being. But they don’t. Each step, each choice has to be made to give grace. When our ugly hurts rear their head- and they always will-- that is when we might find the gift of grace. That is the only way we can give it to ourselves. By practicing it. By stretching into it. By bending instead of breaking from rigidity, from what we know, from how we have existed.
Let’s see what some of our faves have said about grace--- thank you google. I’d love to hear which speak to you the most. Comment with your fave, comment with others that aren’t listed. Email us and tell us what kind of grace you need or offer this week. We want to hear about it. We want to share this vibration with you.
So this is #HowWeValue. We will keep sharing because the journey is never over. I wish each of you reading this that warm feeling in the belly called peace.
"Grace is the voice that calls us to change and then gives us the power to pull it off." - Oprah Winfrey
"Grace is unmerited favor. Forgiveness is turning away from what you’re forgiven of and freedom is being able to move on." - Maya Angelou
"Grace is the power to go through the worst and come out smiling, knowing that you are stronger because of it." - Ayesha Curry
"Grace is the divine light that shines within all of us and leads us to our highest purpose." - Yara Shahidi
"Grace is the force that carries us through the darkest moments and reminds us that we are never alone." - Iyanla Vanzant
"Grace is the thread that weaves together our broken pieces and makes us whole again." - Tracee Ellis Ross
"Grace is the power that enables us to overcome obstacles and reach our full potential." - Angela Davis
"Grace is the courage to face our mistakes, learn from them, and grow into better versions of ourselves." - Laverne Cox
"Grace is the ultimate expression of love, forgiveness, and acceptance." - Gabrielle Union
"Grace is the key that unlocks the door to our innermost selves, revealing the beauty and strength that lies within." - Audre Lorde